Today has been one of those days, incredible. But true!
I knew yesterday that I had to attend a meeting in Ndola at 10:30 this morning so I prepared last night to leave about 05:30 and take a steady drive the 350 km to my destination.
I woke at 05:45, and thought bother. I dashed around getting ready, relieved that we had water as we had been without for the past two days, due to a power fault on one of the phases that burned out the borehole pump. I left the house at ten past six feeling fresh having just had a cool shower. I must admit though that I was not feeling 100%. I was not sure if it was the salad I had eaten the night before or what.
The day was cool with many clouds but with blue all around them, which made it bright and pleasant. The rich greens of the surrounding foliage at it’s best in the rainy season, adding to the enjoyment of the drive.
I made it about 100 km when I had no option but to pull over into the bush as things definitely were not right below. Now, I was dressed in my best meeting attire, white trousers and neatly pressed shirt, tie and nice shiny shoes. There are no nice toilets or washrooms on this route (or any other for that matter.) so the bush is the best one can hope for. Its surprising how awkward you feel when you know what you have to do but the logistics of carrying out the operation are not that simple. I first had to remove my trousers completely so as not to mess them up before the meeting. Secure the car then wander deeper into the bush.(a fine sight I’m sure as I wandered into forth, perfectly attired except for the small detail of the lack of trousers and carrying my bog roll) Find a suitable place and to execute the job in hand. I cannot believe the number of passersby in the bush who just sprout out of nowhere, look surprised and mutter a polite good morning. Anyway, job done get dressed again quick wash and off down the road. Happy comfortable and clean.
Well I was for about another 50 km when another bout of the old peeping tortoise heads occurred again. Same routine, off into the bush, disrobe, job done and back again to the road. This happened four times before 09:30 when I finally arrived at Ndola having pushed on as hard as the poor car would go, to take my mind off other things.
When you get to Ndola you come to a big roundabout and turn left for the city centre where I was headed, to try and get some bread or something similarly bland to give my tummy something to work on.
Unfortunately I turned right and realised my mistake almost immediately. I found somewhere safe to turn and did a U Turn in the road to take me back to the roundabout. As soon as I turned a policeman sprouted forth from the ground and pulled me over. By this time I was feeling rough as rats and was not at my best.
The policeman sauntered over to the car and explained to me that I had crossed a solid white line down the middle of the road, and that this was in fact dangerous driving, an imprisonable offence.(I’d heard this line before.) He would not accept the fact that you could see for a good 2 km in both directions where I turned, and there was not another car to be seen, heard or even feel the slightest presence of. He said that I would have to accompany him to the police station.
He jumped in and off we went. I tried on the way, to explain my predicament and surely there was another way to resolve this situation, but he was having none of it. We arrived at the station and I was shown into the duty sergeant’s office, where I had explained to me the gravity of my offence. It was apparently two offenses, crossing a solid white line and causing an obstruction. Though who I was causing an obstruction to, I will never know. The fine was to be ZWK 270,000 about £33.75. I explained that I was on my way to a meeting and that I only had ZWK 150,000 on me. He said “That will do but I can’t give you a receipt”. So off I went all charges dropped.
I went off to my meeting, which coincidently was very successful, and I set off for home again at just before midday. My tummy having seemed to have settled a bit by now.
The journey back was fairly quick with very little other traffic on the road and I started to relax as I approached Lusaka. The speed limit on this stretch of road is 100 km/h and I was cruising just above this.
I had been stopped for speeding a couple of weeks previously and during a long debarkle with the lady police officer, she said they do not waive speeding tickets unless it is an emergency. At that time it was too late and I would have looked pretty dumb if I had tried.
Anyway I was trolling along quite happily when out from the side of the road jumped a male police officer and flagged me down. I parked up on the left side of the road whist he went back to his speed camera and the female constable who was manning it.
I thought it had to be worth a go, so I half tumbled out of the car clutching my side and forcing myself to go red in the face as I struggled and stumbled across the road clutching my side. I recognised the police woman straight away as the one who had stopped me no less than two weeks previously and to whom I had promised that I would never speed again in the hope of leniency, I thought I was done for.
As I hobbled to where they stood. She said “You were flying.” I said through my best pained, red faced, dribbling expression that this was an emergency and that I had to get to the hospital as it was agony. They looked at me a bit oddly with the first signs of panic starting to show on their faces. “It’s kidney stones and I’m going to pass out if I don’t go now.” Of all the cheek, she said “All right then just give me ZWK 70,000.” I showed her my empty wallet and screamed, “I haven’t got any bloody money, I have to go, NOW”. (still dribbling) They said “Ok off you go, quickly!” (They were looking very worried by now)I struggled back to the car and set off towards Lusaka.
I stopped laughing by the time I hit the outskirts of town. Having had kidney stones I know just how painful it is.
Yes, I know it’s bad, but I could not have been doing more than 110. And she did give me the idea.
As you near Christmas especially, and always towards the end of the month, the occurrences of roadblocks at least quadruple as they all try to get a little extra cash to bolster their paltry wages.
It is a corrupt place, as are so many places in Africa, and yes I should follow all the rules and be a good citizen. (Yeh, right)
Denzil Bark. (Out on good behaviour)
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